i'm so shallow.
not to mention self-pitying.

i've been bloghopping. i read some things. some of it i get, most of it i don't. especially when people start to talk in (what i think is) code.... all these letters... SEC? PEM? OAA? CEP? what the hell. i have a more pertinent question. it's been burning in the back of my head for so long now. i would ask people around me but they'll laugh in my face. again. bibe=bib, duck=pato. same difference, noh!
so much for trying not to sound like a ditz, but

what/who is jologs?

ah just answer the damn question. don't laugh.

please.

i don't wanna be a old man anymore
it's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
it's time I got back to the Good Life
it's time I got back, it's time I got back
'n I don't even know how I got off the track
i wanna go back, yeah!
--weezer, "the good life"

that pretty much sums up how i'm feeling right now.

i just turned 18 last 5th (thanks to those who remembered!) but i still don't have the one thing that every certified adult- age wise, anyway- should have by now: A LIFE. ano ba naman 'to?! i'm old enough to buy cigarettes (not that i would ever start smoking), i'm old enough to drink (in europe and asia, at least), and i should've had my license for at least 2 years now (but i don't. i only have my permit).

but that's stupid. what's the use of having a license if i don't have a car? so, ok, i'll get a car. but see, i can't get a car because i don't have credit. i don't have credit because i don't have a job. no one will hire me because i don't have experience. i don't have experience cuz i can't get out. i can't get out cuz i don't have a car.

leydis en gentelmen, america, land op oportuniti nga naman!

aaaarggggggghhhh i'm sick of:
1. freeloading off my mom (no- wait- i take that back. i love it.)
2. constantly waiting for a ride
3. NOT HAVING MY OWN MONEY

i miss living in the philippines. aside from friends and family, the one thing i miss the most is the lifestyle. it was so much easier to go out, to have fun, to experience... life. it's not just the clubbing or getting burned, but also just hanging out with friends. just talking. crying, even, over problems you go through together or the occasional ridiculously senti movie/song. i want my life and my friends back. even today, even though i know everyone else has moved on to better or even just different things, i still hang on to the idea of my "old barkada". i can't accept the fact that everybody's different now. as pathetic as it may sound to some people, my friends make up as much as 90% of my life. i have a lot of friends here, but there's no one like the people who have known you since day 1.

corny na kung corny cuz it's from a song, but i seriously need to go back to the good life. by good life i mean the one i gave up so i could have a "better" one here. here's my point: what's the... point... of living in a relatively better house and having a relatively better lifestyle if you don't have your friends to share it with you? how can i enjoy life if there's no one to enjoy it with?

to those fortunate enough to be spending time with their old old friends, let me say that i'm really jealous of you. you (most likely) seriously don't know how lucky you are. lucky that you got to go to the same high school, that you went together to prom, that you went on the same gimiks, that you have someone there not just when you need them, but through the good times, too.

it really is true, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. believe me. just let me spare you the trouble of experiencing the "beauty" of hindsight and listen. there's nothing like the good life with good friends.

i have to say, i'm unfortunate enough to be associated with the most screwed up people this world has ever produced.

this "guy", for example, has got to be the most cold-blooded, duplicitous, deceitful degenerate i have ever had the displeasure of knowing. to make things short, he's a total asshole. no, make that capital A Asshole. He is the father of all that is disreputable and is to hate in this world.

talk about your poster child for mendacity. one face this way, a totally different one the other. because of his cunning ability to make people think what he wants them to think, it's hard to persuade said people to isolate themselves from the man. after all, can anyone ever really admit that they've been cavorting around with such a hated man? it's much easier for them to think that those against him are exaggerating.

for a while, i've sort of been one of those people. not so much defending him, but more of the, well, let's give him a chance to change his ways. i've always been a firm believer of the 2nd opportunity. bad first impressions can always, always be made up for; something can always be added after the final word; there is no ultimate conclusion to anything. there will always be an installment.

to say the least, i've learned the hard way that it's just not possible for everyone. no matter which way anyone puts it, some people will just never change.

it's so frustrating because i want to believe that every man is fundamentally good. religion aside, i know all people are born morally clean. sometime when growing up, however, this element is buried- by abusive parents, a traumatic experience, whatever, that's really not the point- and all that is left is an meaningless, barren, shell of a human. if you don't even have a soul, then what is the meaning of your life? yes, your body's free to do whatever iniquity it wants to, but where is it going to lead you?

obviously, i don't hold this ideal anymore. i mean, if i can't even put faith in the basic principle of a good man, then where else am i supposed to put my faith on?

fine, i will admit it.

my name is abby and i have officially become a virtual lackey for the evil empire of blogging.

i mean, what kind of self-absorbed dork would think that their life or what they think would be interesting enough for people to read about?

well, i'm one of them. and apparently, millions of other people. vanity, it seems, is the it-thing these days. nobody seems to care about subtlety anymore. look at me. i'm cool. check out what i'm wearing. i'm so witty and sophisticated. check out my inside jokes. if you don't get it, then you're obviously not part of the in crowd.

i'm having the time of my virtual life.

somewhere between dealing with the usual teenage angst and watching indie movies, i've found time to tell the world how important i am. and guess what, i'm enjoying myself. i've spent too much time trying to hate what i so obviously am so desperate to do. can you see me now? well, you should. via hipocrisy with fires ablaze i'm taking the hot hot road to hell. bring it on. my soul's on fire and i don't mean that in a crappy romance novel way.

should i turn back now, repent, and go back to my old, reliable ways?

are you kidding?

this is so much more interesting. so much more stimulating. besides, there really is no other way to go back. at least that's what i tell myself. i like telling you what i think. so you better listen.

whether you want me to or not, i'm going to keep on telling you what i had for breakfast, how johnny depp is ultimately meant for me, and why my mom won't let me use tampons.

listen up, world. you're going to know every little detail about me. down to the last straw. the whole nine yards. whatever other used-up metaphor.

oh heaven help me, i'm turning into a britney spears song. i have lost my mind.